So, that happened. I was inspired when Julia linked to her fake review of Natty Ice a few years ago in our Risk Legacy discussion chat on Facebook. I decided to be a real journalist and actually drink the beers, and that it would be funnier if I really liked them.

This, of course, meant I had to both buy and then drink the three of them. All 24 ounces. That’s right: I consumed all 72 ounces of those beers. As Julia also commented: “too often you become the fool.” Especially when I know the guy cashing me out at Consumer’s. That was an awkward conversation (started with a preemptive “I CAN EXPLAIN” on my part).

So, what did I really think of them?

Natty Ice

Um. I’m supposed to hate this, right? I don’t. I’m kind of disgusted by how little I dislike it. It’s not great by any means, but I was expecting terrible metallic tastes and other offensive off flavors that come from trying to make the cheapest possible beer with the highest alcohol content.

I drank this while staffing retail on Friday and kept it stuffed in a brown paper bag. I couldn’t let anyone see me drinking it! I have a reputation to maintain.

Would I buy it again? Probably not. But it was pretty comparable to Gennessee, my guilty tipple of choice. Come summertime, when it’s 90 and I just mowed the lawn? Genny does me right and I won’t hear any snobbery that says otherwise.

But, yeah. Natty Ice. I think I prefer this over Blue. Who am I?

Coors Light

It’s still not aggressively offensive. Less body than the Ice, letting the carbonic bite show through. Not great, but I didn’t do a spit take. I’m not sure the mountains were blue enough.

Miller High Life

The least amount of body of the three. I get that they want to be champagne, but champagne has flavor! It seems comparable to the aforementioned Genny but with less malt sweetness. My least favorite of the bunch.

So…

After the Natty Ice I was a little worried I was going to become a fan of these beers. That I would leave my life behind and run away to join the macro lager circus.

I am glad I tried them, though. Don’t knock it til you try it, right? That’s how my wife got me to read the Twilight series (which I now knock with great abandon), and I can now discuss (and, if I care to, insult) these beers without feeling intellectually dishonest. My ratings on them (A, A-, B+) were in order if not actually scaled properly. Friday night after my Natty Ice sampling I had some 60 Minute IPA while playing Cards Against Humanity, so that threw off the whole grading curve.

I look forward to being able to drink good beer again! Although I am a little disappointed I didn’t unlock a “Dude, Really?” badge on Untappd.